I'm backk :: Selamat Hari Raya

Assalamualaikum & Hai ! 

Hahahaha. Lamanya dah tak menulis. Kalau tengok post2 terdahulu, semuanya time aku maseh kat Sabah. Now aku kat semenanjung dah ! yeahhh i love semenanjunggggggg lol.

Sekarang tgh cuti sem, eh, lebih tepat dkatakan cuti raya la. cuti sem mcm tak kene je nak sebut -,- cuti sebulan, memang seronok tak terkiraaa la. Even mmg byk habiskan masa kat rumah je pun, tak jalan2 mana, its still heaven for me :D 

Anyway, its still not too late to wished Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir & Batin to everyone out there yang mengenali diri ini. Like how we treat Ramadhan this time so special, thus as well as Syawal. Make Syawal this time more special to be celebrated with people we loved :D

BYE xoxo

Hmmm?

Sigh.
Got two more papers left, but no mood to study.
No mood at all.
Where my mind is going actually?




study la woiii ! studyyyyyy !
Ada jugak kang keluar exam hall besok nyesal tak sudah. Hmmmm.

Things aren't like before.

1)

Can anybody hear me?

Or am I talking to myself?

My mind is running empty

In the search for someone else

Who doesn’t look right through me.

It’s all just static in my head

Can anybody tell me why I’m lonely like a satellite?

‘Cause tonight I’m feeling like an astronaut

Sending SOS from this tiny box

And I lost all signal when I lifted up

Now I’m stuck out here and the world forgot

Can I please come down? 

‘Cause I’m tired of drifting around and round 

Can I please come down?

I’m deafened by the silence

Is it something that I’ve done?

I know that there are millions

I can’t be the only one who’s so disconnected

It’s so different in my head.

Can anybody tell me why I’m lonely like a satellite?

2)

No longer contact each other :/

No longer close i guess, its been a while we're not talking to each other :'(

What more can i say? I just miss having the three of us. without u by my side, i'm LOST. Totally LOST. Having no one to share stories, share feelings. Sigh.

Things aren't like before.

Just a deep thought from my heart............

Assalamualaikum.

What is meant to be, it will be.

...............................

Ngantuk Zzzz

Susahnya mau tidur.

Kalau tidur pun salu dapat mimpi bukan2.

Then, terjaga balik. Hmmmm.

Another tired day today.

And tomorrow also.

Hmmmm.

But then, still ..... :)

Sincerely,

Wannot 

It hurts :'(

Ya Allah,

kau kuatkanlah semangat aku ini,

kau jauhkanlah aku dari sebarang penyakit yg memudaratkan.

I thought it was end already. 

Berakhir sudah.

Tapi kenapa sakit ni tiba datang2 balik?
Not as teruk as before,

but still can cause pain in my chest,

hard to breath once again,

but can be controlled.

and to prevent that,

i can only go to sleep.

It reduce the pain a bit.

before this, the pain comes sekejap sekejap only

and now, most of the time 

but still, i can hold the pain infront of others

I have to be strong

I am strong

because i'm not sick at all

and this shaking body of mine really freak me out.

would you stop shaking?

I hate it

seriously i hate it

Please go away all the pain

I hate it

:'(

Sakit itu kafarah dosa.

Beerti Allah sedang memberi kita peluang untuk mencuci segala dosa2 kecil kita.

:'(

Slowly return.

This past two weeks really tough on me.

Really tough :/

All of a sudden,im losing the spirit. and i've being attacked. 

Attacked by what?

I keep on having a chest pain, hard to breath, and my whole body systems shaking without a reasons this lately.

I even feel hard to sleep.

If i can sleep, i kept on dreamt of something like a ghost or mengerikan.

for the chest pain,

I even went to pusrawa, do an ECG test.

The result is???????

Doc said everything is fine, and it is just a hyper ventilation syndrome.

Is it true?

Me myself also dont know.

*SIGH HARDLY DEEPLY*

What can i only do now is be strong. I have to.

My inner side have to be strong, not for others but for myself.

And im really trying on it right now.

I'll slowly gettin back on the track, for the future, InsyaAllah.

I'll slowly increase my appetite, get to normal back, InsyaAllah.

I'll slowly fill my empty heart, with my Taqwa, InsyaAllah.

InsyaAllah, jika Allah mengizinkan. Ameen :)

To mama abah, sorry  if i let u guys down.

i know i shouldnt say  i want to quit  study.

Its not me saying that actually.

and Alhamdulillah now im gettin better.

Its also from your Du'a that makes me return :)

I love you mama abah ;)

and I know u guys do miss me. kann? ecececeh.

Do wait for me to come back, Raya, InsyaAllah :)

To umi and kakak, sorry,

 bcos im always be the one who trouble both of you.

im always sick, im always itu, im always ini. hmmm

I didnt mean that, truly sorry from me.

and thank you also for always taking care of me.

i do appreciate it.

i dont know how to repay both of u, but surely Allah will :)

and i also lovin both of you as well.

words are hard to be describe, 

but HIM knows how deep my love towards  umi & kakak.

Te amo ;)

friends there, 

you have to know that we here always miss you love you.

GIve us strong yayang :(

Al fatihah..

Assalamualaikum.

 

Lemah.

Apa nak jadi dgn diri aku skrg?
Serupa macam orang yang dah tak terurus.
Assignment tak siap, lab report tak terusik langsung, tutorial pun pandang sepi.
Bila ada midterm, quiz, tak pernah nak study. And the worst thing is when i didnt feel regret at all.
No feeling. Heartless.
Tinggal another one year lebih je lagi utk aku habis belajar.
Kenapa aku perlu face semua ni waktu saat2 genting ni?
Mungkin Allah nak uji aku. Orang sekeliling selalu cakap yang Allah takkan uji seseorang tu diluar kemampuannya. Tapi kenapa aku rasa diri aku tak kuat? Hmmm.
Ya Allah, betapa lemahnya imanku terhadapmu. Ujian yang sebegini kecil pun aku tak mampu hadapi.

Kenapa aku takleh jadi mcm orang lain?
Mungkinkah aku terlampau ikut sgt perasaan yg ada ni?
Aku takboleh nk buang perasaan sedih ni langsung Ya Allah :(
My mind, My heart keep remembering me of her.
I can laugh like others, enjoy like others, but when im alone, i feel like wanna crying.
Feel like my spirit is gone together with her. Im not lying.
My spirit is lost, lost in da jungle. jungle that no one know even myself where it is.
I couldnt find my spirit my soul back, till now.

Thanks to everyone yg try to find my soul my spirit back.
Thanks also because tak putus2 give me strength, i know u guys wants me to wake up from this state.
Wants me to become like before, my old self.
Sorry umi, sorry kakak :( Many things u guys buat utk naikkan smgat, get me on track, stay healthy,
i didnt mean to let u guys down, but this is me now.
i dont know why i become like this. seriously i have no clue.
Sorry for hurting u guys, either with my words, or my actions. Really2 sorryyyyy :'(
Just ignore me, only then i might not hurting u both anymore, because i love u both so damn much :'(

"Ada benda yang kita taknak terjadi, tapi kita kene terima jugak benda itu walau apapun terjadi"

Umi, Kakak, i'll try to find my spirit back, i'll try to get myself back on the track, not for others, but for myself.
I need time, and i dont know how much more time that i need.
Susah mahu berubah kalau mindset tak berubah. That is my biggest problem now. :(

Yang, d mana pun kau sekarang ni, aku sangat2 rindukan kau :(
kehilangan kau serious bagi impak besar kat aku. sbb aku belum bersedia lagi utk kau pergi secara tiba2.
Aku dah tak sama mcm dlu. Aku dpt rasa dri aku lain dah. Tapi aku sndri takde inisiatif nak kembalikan dri aku mcm dlu yang. Aku just biarkan je perasaan ni pergi, pergi mengikut kau. Sbb aku rasa kosong sgt dah dlm diri aku. Lemah sgt kan aku yang. If u were here, i know u wouldnt let me feel like that. Family aku pun jauh pulak tu. they are not by my side to get me on the track. What they know now, im fine here. Of course im fine, tapi tu luaran. Tapi aku taknak risaukan mereka. Biarlah dorang dgn tanggapan dorang tu.
Yang, aku berharap sgt aku dpt kembali mcm dlu. Please give me strength :'(

Mungkin aku yang terlampau dan melampau ikut perasaan sgt. and i have to get out from this feelings. and yes i cant just sit down and waitin for people to give my dream, i have to get out there and make it happen by myself, because its my dream, my future.
InsyaAllah. Ameen.

Dear Allah, please guide me well through this journey.






p/s : I love everyone ; My family, My umi, My kakak and you My friends. Sorry for everything.

Sepi itu indah?

Sepi itu indah?

Ya, sepi itu sgt indah.

Kadangkala, kita harus menyepi,

Untuk mencari kembali kekuatan yang telah hilang,

kadangkalanya juga kita harus menyepi,

Untuk mencari ketenangan hati,

dan kadangkalanya juga kita harus menyepi,

Untuk kebaikan diri sendiri,

Dan dari situlah sepi itu indah :)

Missing.

1ST May 2013, its May already. 

Time flies so fast, really fast.

so what i'm currently doing now in 1st of May?

enjoy the 1 day holiday today?

Definitely not.

Finish all the assignment and lab report as well?

Of course not. You know the answer. LOL

Scroll into old pictures new pictures, and i'm realised something.

I'm in the state of missing. 

I missed my family, who are beribu ribu batu jauhnya from here :(

I missed my umi, which going back to Kelantan :(

I missed my dear twinsfriend, in which you are already tenang d sana :(

Airport. They send me back. WHY WHY WHY?
 I love u abah mama :*

shine, shine, shine. They shine my life :)

The nicest kakak ever, the cutest fruit daughter ever.  please always stay in my life, love u strong :D

Thank u for being part of my life umi, love u strong :)

Best of the friends, see the chemistry between us there?  ILYSM  :D

Memory is one of the happiness :)

Hero & Heroin in my life. LOVE u BOTH so damn strong :)
Miss you mama abah :(

The moment you had should never b forget forever. 

You look really cute twinsfriend, miss you :(

Thanks Allah for giving me such a nice memory between me and them :D

Hey little sis, i miss you. dont u miss to fight with me, dear? :P

Thanks for this new family ; umi & kakak. Makes my life here feel valuable :)

This little kid, you're growing up now. So sad i cannot be beside you. Miss you sofea :(

Home sweet home like people always said :D

Hey angah, be nice there, please always be healthy yaww. miss you :*

Random memories with random pics, 

this is my way of expressing my rindu towards them ; write.

And i wonder, did them miss me too? :/

Abah busy dengan kerja, nak PRU13 n so on laaa, jarang call or balas mesej, mama pun samaa, taktahu busy dengan apa, pun jarang call. Umi, busy dgn PRU jugakk agaknyaa. and only left me and nanad.

Gosh, i dont know why i am really really damn miss them. 

and i dont know how to tell them that i really really meant what i said.

because i'm not the type of people that can express the feelings very well. 

Most of the time, the feelings i have, the feelings i feel, i'll keep by myself. 

I may looks fine infront, inside ;

Only Allah and me knows what i felt, deep inside my heart.

How i wish i know how to express the feelings i have to other people, so that i dont have to feel any pain in my heart.

and sometimes,i become silence because of this pain.

To the people who might not know me, may mistakes my silence as my ignorance, but the truth is i'm suffering of expressing something deep in my heart. Do anyone having the same state like me? :/ hmmmm I can only say now i missssssssssss them !!!!!!

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory, for 'bekalan' in your life journey.

I MISS THEM SO DAMN MUCHH :'(

 

 

 

Penat.

Kos Aquaculture, hmmm seriously memenatkan. first year first sem je dah ade praktikal, Setiap sabtu ahad. Budak2 kos lain semua dok berehat rehat bersenang lenang, kami plak bertungkus lumus berpanas panasan praktikal di hatceri. But then, practical tu bagus sbenarnya. Sangat membantu dlm pembelajaran. Sangat memberi experience dlm kerja2 menternak & menjual ikan ni.

Then masuk second year, ada shared farm pulak. Ladang kongsi yang mula2 ditubuhkan je pun dah bagai perang apa tah. Yela masing2 nak group ngn kawan sndri kan, taknak group ngn orang tu lah, ini lah -,- Fungsi shared farm adalah untuk gain profit as much as you could. kira mcm bukak bisnes lah. kene beli bibit ikan & ternak ianya dari kecik smpai la size berapa2 pun (ikut suka group memasing), then JUAL ! Time nak menjual ni la kene gunakan kepakaran memasing carik buyer. Deal dgn buyer dgn harga yg sgt baik ! Once dapat jual ikan, duit masyukkkk tu ! HAHAHA seronok weh !

Tapi dalam seronok2 tu, shared farm ni byk menguji kecekalan & keteguhan diri memasing. Yelah mcm2 group dtubuhkan ; Fishbite, kalapatang, pop, aqua12, cfnt, bigbang. Jadi time2 mcmnilah semangat kekawanan teruji. Pergaduhan antara group, hmmm, rebut buyer, rebut ikan, tak puas hati sana sini, masam2 muka, selfish, merajuk rajuk, haihhh serious penat ! Ada group yg pentingkan diri sendiri, tak prnah tolong group lain means takpena bg buyer apa2 ka kat group lain. Tapi buyer orang lain sibuk nak tumpang jual ikan dia. hmm. Ada jugak group cakap lain buat lain. Tak serupa bikin betul. Bikin panas jak.

Yang tu bab group lain lah, ni bab group sndri pulak. Memula dlu, sume acting so innocent la, jenis yg tak kisah kene buat keje, senang tolerate & consider (konon) org lain. Tapi langit tak selalunya cerah ye kawan kawan, mostly nye apa yg positif turn to negative sudaa. Dari rajin jadik malas, dari baik jadi jahat *geram*. hergghhhh :/ Kehidupan kat U ni mmg kita banyak menghabiskan masa dgn kwn2 in group. Assignment, lab report, study, dscussion sume in group kan? Thus, as a group kann, bila ada problem, should everyone gather together & find solution bersama. Right? Can anyone imagine how tired it was when worked that supposedly done by everyone in group but only a few of it yg buat. Actually not that work yg membuatkan diri penat, tapi mind yg sentiasa berfikir why why why disertai dengan perasaan marah & bengang. Memang penatlah jadiknya. kan?

Last benda pasal topik penat ni kan, seharian aku nadia n patrik dekat hatceri lepas habes kelas. Agak penat la gak.

"apala yang korang buat smpai konon2 penat sgt tu??" 

 

 

Hahaha disease dah mula datang serang balik ikan2 kat hatceri ni. Jadi kenelah ekstravaganza watch fish. Pagi tadi change 50% green water kat c8 tank tu, sbb keli2 tu sume dah mula 'negaraku'. Mcm ada tanda2 nak kene disease, risau la pulak.

 

Next, buat treatment on Tilapia broodstock. Kesan dari poor handling haritu, dia punya fin smpai jadi erosion, then badan luka2 smpai scale tertanggal. Dahsyat tak? stress berganda oo ikan tuu. and harini badan ikan yg luka2 tu ada fungus pulak. Geli mak nengokkk nokk :s mata dia pun ada yg dah buta, ada yg kene selaput dgn fungus tu. kesian tgk :( so kitorg pun buat la seawater treatment, so that biar parasite2 tu kelua dr badan tilapia tuu. penat tak terkata tapi tak kesah sgt pun, tanggungjawab kann. yang kesahnya bila orang lain tuuuuu takde inisiatif nak tolong punnn. Tanya condition fish ok ka tidak pun takde. Menyampah tahap gaban k !

 

Hmmmm hopefully our tilapia fish recover la cecepat k, janganlah sakit2. stress sume orang. Yang keli pun sama, tlglah btahan, janganlah kene infection. Rugi oo kami nnt. Asyik berterusan rugi, jadi bilalah mau untung? Tolonglahhhh bertahan smpai kami jual kamurang, eah eah? mmmm :)

 

Assalamualaikum :*

 

p/s : Nanti aku cuba masukkan gmbar2 ikan kami yg sakit tu. Penat pulak nak upload gmbr skrg, Bye :D

 

 

 

 



 

Things in my head.

Since masuk sem 4 ni, tersangatlah busy mak aihhh. Dah takde cuti sabtu ahad. Kesemua hari yg ada fully booked ! Sabtu practical kat hatceri ikan, ahad pulak kat hatceri udang. Tu pun kene ulang alik & tekejar kejar sbb duty shared farm. Letih gila siak. Dengan assignment pun melambak-lambak. *stress* Sampai rasa nak study pun malas. Kalau boleh nak tdo jer memanjangggggg. Penat kannn. hmmmpphhh.

First thing is Semalam FISHBITE group pegi buat marketing research, for the last time before we start writing and buat slide. And personally aku nak say thank u laa utk nadia, weil & patrick sbb walaupun penat still kita sesama boleh pegi restoran, carik2 info utk market research. And personally jugak aku nak cakap yg aku BENGANG gila ngn jason. Sangat takde teamwork dlm diri dia. Dahla taknak join pegi buat market research tu dgn alasan sgt PENAT, then kitorg dpt tahu kau boleh pulak keluar dgn Ah cheng pegi makan2 n tdo kat lam kete jek. Tak balik bilik. Ni la kononnya penat kau kan? ehh c'mon la der, everyone pun tired kot. Nak consider penat aku, nadia n patrick yg dari hari jumaat duty, prepare tank utk keli, transfer air sana situ, tuka air white tank, dgn ade kelas lagi taim tu, kitorg pun non stop keje kot. Then hari sbtu prctical & hari ahad smbung balik duty, kerja smpai petang sbb ikan sakit. and bukan nak mengungkit isunya skrg, tp Ada kau consider tak benda tu? Sedangkan kau hari ahad cuti. Boleh rehat sewenang-wenangnya. Rehat laaa smpai lebam pun takpe kot. Ni la people nowadays, dah takde dah istilah susah senang bersama. Kalau kau susah, kau susah sorang2 jek. Tak perlu nak babitkan orang lain, eah? Adakah fikiran kau mcmtu Jason? Please lah, kerja bkumpulan, so bergeraklah as a group. Even kau dah takde hati nak jadi FISHBITE members, try consider other people feelings. Sangat penat dgn perangai kau macamni. hmmmphh :/

Next thing in my head now is Pergaulan bebas. pergaulan bebas remaja zaman skrg mcm dah takjadi satu isu kann. Semua orang pandang ianya as a trend. Trend ke? Takut aku skrg tgk kawan2 lama aku yg dulunya tersangatlah pemalu, tersangatlah baik hati, tersangatlah takut dgn lelaki, and semua yg tersangat positif lah change into tersangat punya negative. kenapa eah? kenapa boleh jadi mcmtu? pengaruh sekeliling ke? and yg sekeliling tu pulak terpengaruh dari sape? haihhh serabut serabut. I got a childhood friend yg penah telanjur, yang pernah lari dr rumah ikut pakwe, n mcm2 laaa. And dorang2 ni masih lagi in contact ngan aku. Kadang2 ada mintak pandangan itu dan ini, but then pandangan yg aku bg tu sekadar jadi hiasan jela. Tak pernah jugak nak berubah. hmm, walaupun dorang tu dah jadi mcmtu, aku takdela ada rasa nak menyisihkan ke, tknak kwn ke, apa ke kat dorang, Just aku harap2 sangat one day, dorang akan kembali ke pangkal jalan. And aku sentiasa berdoa & berharap jugak semoga aku tak terpesong dgn kehidupan duniawi yg penuh dgn hiburan ni. Walaupun amalan & imanku tidaklah seteguh mana, semoga Allah sentiasa kuatkan hati aku utk lawan segala nafsu2 dunia. Aminn.

Alhamdulillah tercapai jugak hasrat nak meluahkan apa yg ada dlm kpale ni. Hahahaha !

"Behind smile is a tears"

Assalamualaikum :)





I'm Afraid

I'm afraid,
I'm afraid to be born in this world,
yet i already here.

i'm afraid,
i'm afraid of losing my parents & siblings,
because i love them so much.

i'm afraid,
i'm afraid to be alone,
so i bring myself into a thing called friendship.

i'm afraid,
i'm afraid to be in love, '
because i dont want to get hurt.

i'm afraid,
i'm afraid of having a negative feeling,
because it makes my life miserable.

i'm afraid,
i'm afraid of everything,
do someone out there concern about me?


This is what i feel, what i thought whenever i'm alone. Those things keep on playing inside my head without feel tired. However, someone said this to me, "whatever happens, whatever u feel, just return yourself into HIM. HE knows better than u. And your mind will be rest in peace" 

Hmmm, Thank you so muchhh arpah :)


p/s: Thanks for everything nanad & kaknik. Love u guys always ! Dont be sad k. 

Fishbite

Fishbite late's member, Mira

This is us, Fishbite : Jason, Patrick, Weil, Nadia, and me

Assalamualaikum :)

Harini aku nak bercerita pasal budakbudak dalam group shared farm aku IAITU fishbite ! haha. Dah setengah tahun aku bersama dgn dorg, Mencari keuntungan, Haha ! Total fishbiter adalah 6 orang, tapi sekarang dah tinggal 5 orang semenjak arwah mira pergi. Sesedih macamana pun kami, proses mencari keuntungan utk shared farm mesti diteruskan jugak ! Sebab keuntungan nnt masih dbahagi 6. Utk part arwah mira, kami akan bagi dekat family dia. Mana la tau sikitt sebanyak dpt meringankan beban keluarga dia nanti, kan kan kan? :) 

Okayy back to fishbite, aku agak kebengangan sket lately dgn one of the fishbite member ni. Siapa? Biala drahsiakan buat sementara waktu. Kenapa? Hmmm, aku rasa mcm hati dia dah tak belong kat fishbite, mgkinkah dia nak msuk group lain?? kalau dia tu mseh anggota fishbite, buatla mcm fishbite. then, yg bikin panasnya, Kalau duty, buat cara duty even malas macamana pun. tak gitu? ni tak, sibuk berseronok ronok dgn orang lain. Group lain mintak tolong, boleh jak tolong,  Bila part group sendiri, buat taktau je. So, which group are you actually? *emotional*

Like what prof always said la, be professional over professional. And somtimes you need to take whatever advice that people give. Dont just simply throw it away without digesting it first. And ini pun bukan pertama kali kebengangan ni terasa. before2 ni, we just take it easy, means all this while are jokes from you. Tapi kalau dah berterusan, confirm2 la me & other people gettin more and more annoyed. kan? Well, If and only if together we change our attitude to a more nice way, it will be better. Good for our ladang kongsi ni laaa i guess. Tinggal satu sem jak lagi pun, just endure it eventhough maybe you dont like us anymore. Stop critics and give idea. Stop the annoying face and give idea. And utamakan fishbite dulu bah dari group lain. hmmm. Thats all from me today. See ya !



p/s : Sell more fish, Gain more profit ! GO FISHBITE :D 

FEBRUARY 2013

Assalamualaikum.

This is My first entry in this new blog after a long long time. ummm, kaknik has gone to hatceri, nadia still sleep, and me? feeling alone i guess. Well, im just done hantar video tribute my late friend, mira, dkt someone that really2 miss her. Yeah bro, i miss her too. Miss her so damn damn muchhhh. *I hope u know we alwayssss love u mira*

Tomorrow is the starting of new month. March. This feb month are really hard and tough for me. It Start with I came to sleep at mira's places, we went duty together, we outing together, we buy the same things together, we spend time muchh together, till the day mira holiday are started, means that mira gonna went home. you know what mira, seeing you going back, i feel sad. all of sudden. a week without you, yes i do feel alone. deep in my heart, i wish you to came back soon. But i didnt expect that the day u came back is the last day all of us see u. That moment, where it begins, i'll never forget. and Ya Allah, Seeing u in hospital with that condition,I, *sigh* ....... . 

And now, its been a week since ur gone. And my life now feels totally different. i prefer to be alone, i used to be close to anes before, but now, i dont feel like going to close with anybody. and i dont feel like going to go out and having fun with my classmates anymore. because, wherever i go, it reminds me of you. there's many memories of us friend. studying in Sabah, with having no family here, need to be independent here, u and nadia were the one that always give support and help without im realizing it. And i know, Semua orang terasa dengan kepergian kau, mira. terasa sangat. and for me, it feels like im losing my twins :(  

Mira, i just want you to know, you brought changes when you came to my life, and when you leave, it also bring changes on me. But you dont have to worry, there's kaknik, nadia and kak ani. we will take care of each other :) All our planning & dreams together, me and nadia akan try utk tunaikan. two of your wish kami dah tunaikan :) Alhamdulillah. and you, just remain peaceful there. 

and,.... Nur Amirah Syakirah Jamsari, you will always be in my du'a. I love you till jannah friend.

p/s : aha I'm looking forward my secret that u told kaknik before u leave. *i miss you*